A PTO Day

Felt physically horrible this morning going into work, not sick just ugh is the best way to describe it. My boss asked me if had used all my PTO days because they reset tomorrow, I said I had one left and in response he said not to waste it and gave me the rest of the day off with in an hour of getting to work. It was awesome, I was able to turn in some important medical records, run a few more needed errands and work out the nasty feeling I had at the gym. then went and worked on a project I'm working to get finished soon. while working on it God should me a new way to mix some materials that was very helpful. then when I got home I had a reimbursement check for counseling, and it reminded me that I am in a place and have a job that provides inssurance so I can without cost, because of the full reimbursement checks, get the couseling I need right now for my depression and poor mind set. God does provide and love me, but Is till do not why it is so hard for me to acknowledge that and be confident in it in a life transforming way....

The Lord Protects

The Lord works as He wills in ways hard for me to understand and yet I am thankful that they are. I find it a shame that so often I do not trust Him as I should, and so often doubt His guidance. Even despite my faults He loves and cares for me. This week has been good for me, I have had the opportunity to miss classes for three days and work on video editing for our Israel video. It is great, though at times hard, I end up learning new and innovative ways to manipulate film and music. More important to note, is that this week I have seen my brothers and sisters here at the Forge love and serve me in ways that in my past I would have never let another person do. The most simplistic acts of love have touched my heart more than the most extravagant words or gifts. I have been offered their presence as I work, words of simple gratitude and encouragement, and much needed caffeinated beverages. Let me not forget that the Lord has indeed helped me create this video that is almost finished as well.

I would like to say also that my thoughts since Israel are as follows,
-The importance of my studying the scriptures with more reverence and urgency.
-Wrestling with God in prayer.
-What God's story is in my life that I am to tell others?

Back from Israel

I take a while to process stuff worth writing.

God has been allowing me to throw my little temper tantrums lately with our relationship.

I was giving up slowly and denying it the whole way. I just was not willing to put in the work that it takes to follow Him. This was all news to me as it began to be revealed through this week in Israel. Prayer has been a lazy aspect in my life, I was not fighting or wrestling in prayer like one can and should if he/she are serious about inquiring of the Lord. Along with that revelation, it was also brought to my attention how much the individuals God has placed in my life love and care for me. The whole trip in Israel I was confronted with loving acts of service, and tough words of truth and challenges to ponder. I kept saying that I felt as though I was standing at a crossroads were the road split to five different directions. Frustrated by not knowing which way to go I would stand there and pity myself about my lack of guidance. The truth is that it was a lack of Faith on my part, Faith to take the first step and allow God something to work with. I actually was waiting for the Lord to shove me in a certain direction and so I would not have to do any of the work involved in trusting Him. It is amazing the blinders that I can where at times. I can only thank God and the many prayers that I have been receiving from other faithful believers in my life. God is faithful and he calls me to be the same.

Day at the Park

We arrive at the Austin park about 1:00pm ate lunch and out we go to engage the public. It is really hard for me with this aspect of evangelism. After a talk with my friend Brittney, she helped me to remember how I use to talk with strangers with out a second thought, but when I know I am trying to turn the conversation towards the Gospel it is incredibly difficult. Her suggestion was to quit trying to make it happen, go back to talking to others as I use to, as a friend and not a target. The advice was good and reminded me that in that I can trust God to help the conversation open up for a chance to share His message. On the way back to meet the group I saw a man sitting at a picnic table by himself. My first thought was well we are leaving in 30min so I will just go back to the group. Thankfully God was not gonna let that one slide. I sat with the man, and introduced myself, we talked about were he was from and what I was out in Austin doing, the conversation went well and did not lead to God, but He exchanged numbers and might attend Church with our group tomorrow. God is good, my doubt is shameful, He will glorify His name. We shall see what happens next on this journey...

2/6/09

I watched my brothers and sisters as they interacted with students from Reagan high. I tried to engage in conversation with a few of the students but was unsuccessful. I finally jumped in on a basketball game in which I was not in a normal setting for my self, and yet in the game experienced little to no anxiety while still fighting off the thoughts of who is watching and how am I doing. I wanted to play hard, encourage the guys playing, and just be present. Sharing the Gospel is important and a command, I want to obey and yet still find it hard. Tonight I was shown that not always is my way the right way. In fact most of the time, my way is not near the right way. I met these guys were they wanted to meet, on the court, and not were I wanted to meet in conversation. I have heard it before, they want to know you care before knowing what you know.

1/26/09 Anvil

Our speaker for the week is captivating, He is speaking on the humanity of Christ and what the truth of his humanity means. The biggest take away for myself has been the importance of being needy, and my struggle and sin of Idolatry.

To explain:

I struggle with not being needy, but needy in the form of knowing my needs and seeking proper help with them in order to mature. I tend to recognize my needs well but do a horrible job of asking for help in order to mature.

The sin of Idolatry in my life is of my flesh, or body. I am consumed with the way I look and so much so that it has mastered me. It has been the deciding factor in my jobs, eating habits, trips, basically all areas of my life and in a detrimental way. I put so much worth into having the well sculpted body, or as some of my friends would sat "rip out of my mind" that my very relationships, choices, and attitude were affected by achieving this goal. It is really sad to look back at how easy I could give up food and excersise myself to near passing out in order to accomplish this goal, and when trying to fast or be disciplined in my life in obediance to God, I would be the worst fighter in the ring, I cannot even last one round.

My Hopes:
That this brings hope that not all is lost for the individuals with struggles and sins as these and for the other Brothers and Sisters in Christ, that you would pray for my healing and deliverance.